


Seize the Day

by profound-boning (farawaystardust)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Dean, Bisexual Male Character, Fallen Castiel, Feels, Gen, Human Castiel, M/M, Only a tiny bit of John hate, Pre-Relationship, Pride, Questioning Castiel, Supportive Castiel, Supportive Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 00:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11242368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farawaystardust/pseuds/profound-boning
Summary: But they’re here now, surrounded by rainbows and happy, joyful people. There’s families here, young children holding tightly to their grown ups, teenagers in groups with flower crowns on their heads and flags on their shoulders, men and women of all shapes and sizes, older couples and triads, beautiful people everywhere. They’re beautiful in their joy, and Dean just wants to soak it all in.





	Seize the Day

**Author's Note:**

> I had a prompt challenge and started writing this but ended up submitting something else for it. Y’all are getting this anyway because I have a lot of feelings about Pride.
> 
> I’m putting this at the beginning so everyone can see: I identify myself as queer. I, a bisexual, have decided to reclaim this word for myself and to use it as an identifier. Those who would use it as a slur can kiss my ass. I am queer and I am damn proud of it. Here’s a few tumblr posts related to this subject. If YOU are lgbtqiap+ and you do NOT wish to use queer for yourself, that’s your choice. I personally have made a different choice, and the word “queer” is used in this story as a result (not as a slur, but as an identifier). I did also use the word “dykes” as part of the phrase “Dykes on Bikes” which is a rad organization. I am truly sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, and I will respect your decision not to read this if that’s what it comes down to. Know that if you’re lesbian gay bi trans intersex questioning ace aro pan nb fluid HOWEVER you identify I love and respect you and I hope you have a lovely Pride month. 
> 
> rated T for cursing

The morning of June first, there is a small rainbow flag sitting on the table in the kitchen.

Dean stares at it for a moment, before deciding that it’s something Sammy and Cas are… into. And who is he to judge? It’s just a flag. He shrugs and continues toward the coffee machine without a second thought.

 

June fourth is when Dean’s laptop opens straight to an article about the Chechnya 100 and the ongoing battle of the queer community in Russia against their own government. Despite himself, Dean ends up reading a few different pieces about it, then finding articles about Morocco and Malaysia and countries on every continent where atrocities against queer people are still being committed. He blinks rapidly to dispel a strange irritation in his eyes. (Is it dusty in here? He needs to dust.)

What’s kind of cool, Dean thinks while he scrolls through websites like Amnesty International and the ACLU, is that these people will _still be celebrating Pride._ In spite of all of that hatred, there will still be people shouting and dancing and celebrating who they are and their community.

He’s seen the parades before. Passing through Boston the summer he was eleven and a little too young to know what it all meant. Saint Louis on a solo hunt at seventeen. Tampa when he was twenty-two. And, of course, San Fran in 2005 before heading south to Palo Alto. Dykes on Bikes is still one of the most badass things he’s ever seen. There are people out there in their communities living loud and proud despite incredible odds.

People with that kind of courage are fighting monsters Dean can’t shoot with rock salt, and they’re winning.

 

On June seventh there’s a package from Amazon addressed to an alias of Sam’s waiting in one of their P.O. boxes. Sam and Cas, giggling and obviously excited, go to pick it up in the Impala (because Dean is an extremely gracious big brother). Dean finishes his breakfast and washes the dishes and cleans the whole kitchen and living room filled with a weird sense of anticipation.

But it’s just… t-shirts?

Sam doesn’t even try to stop laughing as he reveals a gray t-shirt featuring a crudely drawn man with too big facial features and a top hat. He's waving a little rainbow flag, and Dean has never been so confused in his life.

“Dude, this is perfect!” Sam can't stop laughing. “The Babadook, a gay icon! Awesome. Thanks for the heads up, Cas.”

“I'm glad you like it, Sam. You’re welcome,” Cas rumbles, fingers brushing the material of his own shirt. It’s rainbow patterned all over, with a big white question mark and exclamation point together on the front. Dean forces his tongue to unstick from the roof of his mouth.

“What’s that for, Cas?”

Sam shoots him a bitchface, but Cas just looks patiently back at him.

“I’m… questioning,” he says plainly. “As an angel, I didn’t have a gender as humans define them. We were simply celestial might and power. Vessels are vessels, and I’ve had several over the millennia.” Why he’d never actually sat down and thought about that is astonishing to Dean. Of course Cas had looked different when he was walking around a thousand years ago. Jimmy Novak was born in the 1970s but Castiel is as old as the stars. “Being human,” Cas continues. “Inhabiting this body, I’ve been thinking. I’m still thinking. I’m not sure yet about what I am or how I feel.”

“Which is fine, Cas,” Sam rests a hand on their friend’s shoulder reassuringly. “You don’t have to know it right away. It could be one label now and later you’ll find another that suits you better.”

“Yes,” Cas agrees, still looking pensive. Dean wishes for half of the courage that Cas possesses.

“What he said.” Dean coughs awkwardly. “It’s cool if you’re still thinkin’ about it. You’re just Cas, y'know.”

Cas looks up, eyes shining, and Dean feels warmth like sunlight flooding his chest.

“Thank you, Dean.”

 

It’s June tenth and they’re leaving for Kansas City in the morning. Sam’s packed them a backpack full of supplies, protection charms and salt and holy water just in case, but also sandwiches, water bottles, and granola bars. Cas has been fretting over the event itself. Who else will be there? Where will they park? What sorts of things will be there besides just the Parade? He’s a little wary about the size of the crowd. Will it be dangerous?

And Dean? Dean’s still just worried about actually _being there_ tomorrow. There’s a familiar voice spouting disappointment in the back of his mind, as well as his own self-hatred and about three decades worth of internalized homophobia. (What? He can use Google, too.)

Summoning all of his courage, he knocks on Cas’s door. There’s a quiet “come in” and he crosses the threshold quickly before he can change his mind. Cas looks at him for a minute, comfortably seated against the headboard with a book in his lap. He’s wearing an old pair of Dean’s sweatpants and a faded t-shirt, bare feet, and mussed hair. Cas is soft and home and everything Dean has been denying himself, everything he wants.

So why not tell him?

“Look, Cas.” Dean goes to sit at the edge of the bed. “Where we’re going tomorrow is somewhere… It’s something that I’ve, like, _known_ about for a while, but didn’t really… I didn’t really get it. Humans have all kinds of… Well, you know what we can be like. We can be selfish and cruel and some of us are bigots and judgey and shit. I’ve never gone to a Pridefest because I didn’t want to be ridiculed. I distanced myself from it and said whatever would keep me from getting in trouble.” Cas extends one hand towards Dean’s hunched form, elbows resting on his knees, looking down at the floor. He touches Dean’s tricep and, even though Dean knows there’s no grace left inside his angel, Dean feels a spark of light. “But I know that I could go. That I want to go. I want to celebrate and be proud. But I’m afraid, too.”

“It’s fine to feel afraid,” Cas assures him in a quiet voice. “It is, unfortunately, normal for people to feel anxious about being open with their identity. To have mixed feelings about Pride month and Pridefests. Just know that no matter what you wear tomorrow or what you say about who you are, the only person you need to be accountable to is you, Dean. You’re the one who labels yourself, and you don’t need to feel ashamed if not everyone knows that label right now. You don't need to go to a Pridefest and proclaim your identity to strangers for it to be real.” Dean nods, not trusting himself to speak around the lump in his throat. “Yesterday, I was nervous to tell you that I’m questioning. I’m nervous wondering if anyone will ask me about it tomorrow and what I would say to them.”

“I’ll kick their ass if anyone gives you a hard time.”

Cas smiles crookedly and squeezes Dean’s shoulder. “I know. And I will do the same for you.”

“Isn’t it, uh, ‘you’ll watch over me’?”

“Something like that.” Cas’s eyes are full of emotions Dean is not ready to put a name to so he deflects.

“Too bad I can’t just steal Sammy’s shirt. Don’t have anything with rainbows like you two do.”

“We could make something if you wanted to,” Cas suggests. “We could make a t-shirt or a sign you could carry. And there will certainly be flags available at the Parade.”

Dean shifts on the bed, looking at Cas and then dropping his eyes. He knows what kind of shirt he’d wear, given the chance.

“You’d help me make a shirt?”

“Of course, Dean.”

“Even if I knew, like, what I want on there?”

“I still have cloth dye left over from when Sam was teaching me about tie-dying,” Cas tells him seriously. “Let’s see if I have what you want.”

Dean bites his tongue to keep from accidentally saying out loud that he’s _certain_ Cas has exactly what he wants.

 

The next day finds Dean and his brother and his best friend on the streets of Kansas City. Sam hadn’t said anything about Dean’s new t-shirt, only clapped him on the shoulder and grinned broadly at him. Dean’d scuffed his boots on the floor of the garage and said nothing. And then Sam had wanted something other than Led Zep on the radio and Dean had had to tell him to shut up.

But they’re here now, surrounded by rainbows and happy, joyful people. There’s families here, young children holding tightly to their grown ups, teenagers in groups with flower crowns on their heads and flags on their shoulders, men and women of all shapes and sizes, older couples and triads, beautiful people everywhere. They’re beautiful in their joy, and Dean just wants to soak it all in.

Sam had scoped out a parking garage just a few blocks away from the start of the parade. They’re not really involved with any of the organizations, but he and Cas hope to find a group of people who will let them march alongside them.

Dean’s eye catches on a huge flag being held aloft by a young boy. It’s painted just like his t-shirt, a white cotton square colored pink and purple and blue. It’s homemade and it’s heartwarming. The flag bearer is standing with two other kids who are dressed fairly androgynously, and they seem to be with a larger group of young people with a half dozen adults standing around them chatting. Dean spots the banner carrier at the front of their group, and realizes it’s for a community theatre group. Some of them are holding signs that say things like “MY ONLY GOAL IS JUST TO BE” and Dean’s pretty sure he’s heard that lyric before.

The boy Dean had noticed glances over and their eyes meet. This kid couldn’t be more than sixteen but he looks at Dean with wisdom in his gaze. After a moment, he tilts his chin, clearly inviting conversation. Dean feels nervous—what if the adults think he’s being a fucking creeper?—but he tugs on Cas’s wrist and moves towards the little group anyway. Cas and Sam will follow. As he approaches, the boy turns to greet him with a smile.

“Do you need a sign? We’ve got plenty.” Dean’s a little stunned by the question, but he nods anyway. One of the friends turns to retrieve one after glancing at the first boy. He’s not paying attention though, he’s focused on Dean’s shirt.

“It’s cool,” he tells Dean earnestly. “Handmade shirts are the best, I think.”

“Cas helped me.” He’s not really sure where that came from, but it feels good to say. “That’s him there, and my younger brother Sam.”

“I like his shirt, too.” The kid cracks a grin. “I’m Leo.”

“I’m Dean.” Leo’s friend, who is wearing a blindingly green tutu, returns bearing two signs. One is an ad for their troupe, which Dean passes to Cas, and the other reads “SEIZE THE DAY”. He likes it immediately.

“That’s a good one. Good for your first Parade.” Damned kid is definitely smart. “It’s not, like, super obvious or whatever. It’s just… I think I know that look.” Leo’s dark brown eyes are warm with compassion, no pity, no judgment. “Maybe it’s your first time wearing that shirt, too?”

“Yeah,” Dean manages. He shifts his weight over his feet. “Like I said, Cas helped me.”

Leo smiles. “I’m so glad to hear that. We all need a Cas in our lives at some point.” Leo nods in the direction of his two friends, who had backed up a step to give them room to talk. “Hold on to him.”

Dean glances at Cas, standing with Sam who has already charmed an adult with the group into letting them join in.

“I intend to,” he vows. Leo beams at him.

As the Parade beings, Dean’s heart rate increases. There’s no real need to be nervous, but his hands are shaking nonetheless. Cas seems to sense this (fallen angel or not he’ll probably always be able to read Dean’s mind) and shuffles closer to him. Sam’s holding the theatre group’s sign and marching ahead, smiling at the crowds on the sidewalks.

And Dean just leans a touch closer to Cas, nudging their shoulders together.

“Thanks, Cas.”

“Of course, Dean.” He brushes their fingers once, twice before Dean takes the leap and intertwines them.

**Author's Note:**

> [why yes gay babadook is a real t-shirt](https://www.redbubble.com/people/fricking/works/26690411-the-b-stands-for-babadook?grid_pos=1&p=t-shirt&rbs=720f3f52-ba25-4a75-bc33-4645879a5e8d&ref=shop_grid&style=mens)
> 
> [on tumblr](http://profound-boning.tumblr.com/post/162032331014/)


End file.
